Obviously George has never before used this software, or he'd know how the hell to spell it.

Sure, I'll set up stuff for "some consultants." I'm just going to blindly assume that you've checked this out with the proper people and had it okayed by our boss.

Riiiight.

Hmm. Much in the same manner that you're havening problems writing tickets correctly?

I'll just go ahead and give one out with no authorization. After all, I can see by your verbose problem description that you've already done all the troubleshooting necessary to determine that the monitor warrants replacement.

Yes. This laser printer, like all laser printers, must warm up before it can be used.

If George was halfway competent, he might see the potential problem with this request. But who am I kidding?

The blurred-out word is the name of a printer. Looks like the crazy fax machine from a few pages ago is about to have some company in the "rampaging productivity device" department.

It's cool when property is just "destroyed." And I love Dell Esperions.

This is one where the luser ties with George for stupidity.

What? Has George suddenly learned how to write? No, this is an e-mail copied and pasted into the problem description of the ticket. I include it because it shows just how moronic George was—he actually passed on this request without checking whether it was all right for lusers to use company owned software on their personal machines at home (yes, the computer at home was the luser's personal machine, not a work computer).

Problems with Internet Explorer, eh? No mention of what kind of problems? No, I didn't think so.

It's even more painful to live through than it is to read. Trust me.

Havening problems again. I should stop commenting on the lack of description. Did I mention that I'm going insane?

I'm beginning to think that "it just won't work" is Georgespeak for "I'm feeling particularly lazy today."

All right. George finds nothing unusual with a request to supply a luser with toner for their personal printer. Nothing more can amaze me.

So delete the log file, before I loggon on your head.

Well, yes, I can see why that would be a problem. Trying to log onto our network from their network without using RAS or a VPN might be a problem. George should know this, but George is an idiot.

Left a voicemail and then dropped it off on me, eh? Sneaky bastard.

Interestingly enough, this is the same chap who, a few pages ago, was havening problems with sounds coming out of his speakers. Apparently he gets alarmed when his computer functions normally.

And what, pray tell, does the full version of Excel sound like when it calls?

For some reason, the phrase "he has broken his dongle" makes me giggle.

Quiz time. You receive a ticket like this in your queue from George. You determine from the contents of the problem description that: A) George is lazy and stupid; B) George does not know how to troubleshoot; C) I'm kind of hungry; D) All of the above.

The correct answer, of course, is C. Or maybe D.

Good idea. Listen to the luser when their solution has nothing to do with the problem.

It's getting harder and harder to find humor in these tickets. At this point, I think I'm ready to crawl under a rock and eat bugs for the rest of my life, far away from the towers of metal and glass.

Oooh. This luser has obviously attained a level of computer skill seldom seen by mortals.

If George were an air traffic controller, there would be a lot more airline fatalities.

"Delta 7331 Heavy, adjust your course or altitude or something. There's like another plane or something coming up on the big green screen. I need a sandwich."

Yeah. Yeah, that generally happens.

Loggin in? What the...where does he...what...how...t-t-t-t-t (zzzt!) (snap!) (crackle!) (twitch twitch twitch)